


Nigel Farage Magic Adventures

by hand_banana



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c.
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-08
Packaged: 2017-12-10 21:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/790121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hand_banana/pseuds/hand_banana





	1. Nigel the Keymaster

One day Nigel Farage was having a pint and a smoke at his local pub. What a great guy! Around him were his fellow party members, Nigel Stamper, Nigel Fletchley, and Nigel Patel, the wog one that meant he wasn't racist.

A frightened villager burst through the door. 

“Help me, Kenneth Clarke is attacking my peaceful village!”

“Really?” 

“No, really, he stole all my petrol and sent it to the EU!”

That was enough to convince Nigel and his friends. They strapped on their anti-EU dowsing rods bought from some hobo they found on the street, got in their magic golf cart, and went out to slay the disgusting beast.

It was a dark and stormy night. 

“Stamper, you stay behind me. Fletchley, you stand over here, and Patel, you get in front of me, oh, wait, I can't see you, HAHAHAHAAH!” That joke is still funny!

Approaching the village green, Nigel and his friends saw Ken Clarke stomping all over shit with his stupid shit and his stupid shoes. It was terrible!

“It's worse then I thought!” cried Nigel. He took his magic Albion Sword and stuck Ken Clarke in his copious gut. The demonic ghost of Edward Heath appeared!

“We need to talk to Ken Clarke, you traitor paedo,” Nigel said. 

“There is no Kenneth,” the ghost hissed. “ONLY ZEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUL.”

Nigel and his friends were really disgusted by this unholy bullshit ghost, but eventually they got kind of sick of fighting it and went home. Next time!

THE END


	2. Nigel Fights a Gypsy

One day Nigel Farage was having a pint and a smoke at his local pub when a distressed passerby burst through the door.

“A diseased homosexual Romanian stole my dog and ate it!”

Nigel Farage and his friends were angry. This was the fault of the EU! ONE DAY WHITE PEOPLE WOULD LIVE ON RESERVATIONS.

They went outside the door. Fortunately, the gypsy wasn't very far. In fact, he was right there, just rolling around in the street and being all disgusting and foreign. Also, he was Kenneth Clarke.

Nigel Farage threw his magic golliwog at the foul gypsy. The demonic ghost of Edward Heath appeared, along with his henchman Hermann Van Rompuy and whoever the fuck else is involved with the European Union.

“Not you again!” 

“I told you that there is only ZEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUL the last time.”

“I'm going to beat the living shit out of all of you!” Nigel Farage bared his giant teeth and prepared for battle. The EU was guarded by powerful wizards!

Some wizard shit went down, but eventually Nigel Farage and his friends got kind of tired of it and went home.

“You haven't beaten me!” cried Edward Heath's ghost.

“Next time!” said Nigel Farage. Legend!

THE END


	3. Let's Save Tony Orlando's House

One day Nigel Farage was having a pint and a smoke at his local pub. He and his friends decided that they had to do something about immigrants and ghosts. Nigel Farage consulted with the smartest people he knew, like Toby Young. They thought about doing some sort of anti-demonic rite, but finally they just decided to burn down dead Edward Heath's stupid house.

“We'll just say he was a paedo afterwards.”

Nigel Farage and his friends approached the evil house in their finest pinstripes.

Nigel Farage said the incantation as he burned the EU flag. “Get out here, you treacherous queer!” 

Edward Heath's ghost materialized from the bodies of a thousand Bulgarian au pairs and Douglas Hurd. 

“NO!” the ghost screamed. “DON'T TOUCH MY BEEEEEEEUUUUTIFUL HOUSE.”

“It's all over for you now, traitor!”

“Wait, you can't burn down my house,” the ghost huffed. “It's made out of stone and all you have is an engraved Zippo lighter.”

Nigel Farage was not about to be fucked by the ghost's pro-EU logic.“Just watch me, bitch!” He pulled out a rocket launcher and blew all sorts of shit up. Legend!

Enoch Powell appeared in the sky. “Thank you,” he said. “Finally, you have broken the curse!”

Rivers of blood poured out from where Edward Heath's stupid house once was and washed away all the immigrants to somewhere. But it was also blood made of wonderful candy and fine liquor! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AT THIS POINT

After eating and drinking all the yummy blood, Nigel Farage and his friends wondered what to do next.

“Maybe we should march on Brussels!”

They started thinking about it but eventually they got kind of tired and went home in their magic golf cart. Next time! 

THE END


End file.
